According to society, a birthday is supposed to be a day of joy and happiness. The day you were born and are supposed to acknowledge by celebrating as big as you can or are capable of. What then happens if instead, that day causes you more distress internally than ample joy.
On the eve of my 20th birthday, I woke up and asked myself what’s the point of all the fanfare if I’m only just going to feel dread all through the day. So I went ahead and did it.
No more social media birthday celebrations.
I went straight to my Facebook page and switched my birthday to a month of the year that had already passed. Because you know how big of a snitch Facebook can be. I didn’t want any wishes so I didn’t need any of the tale telling Facebook was programmed to do.
Then I stopped giving out info about my birthday to new I people meet. When my actual birthday arrived, I made sure not to post anything about it. Because if I don’t post, nobody would remember except my family and close friends of course.
My friends think I’m weird and I don’t blame them. My family feel sympathetic even if they don’t understand it. But how am I to explain that I freak out on my birthdays.
I sometimes even struggle with the feeling that the wishes I get on the day are not exactly genuine. And for the people posting my pictures on their stories or status, I sometimes feel like a burden to them. Like a slight inconvenience to mar their day. Because I feel it’s not something they are doing from their heart. But something they feel compelled to do.
To the contrary, I actually love celebrating birthdays of other people. I have friends that make their birthdays such a big fanfare and I love to celebrate with them. I even go the extra mile sometimes of waking up at midnight to send birthday wishes to people I know love that form of affection.
And then to people always calling to ask me “where the party is at”. They just make me feel like a “bore” because I didn’t plan any fanfare for the day as is the way of the world.
To tell you the truth, I felt better that year when I turned off all the noise than in all the years where I forced myself to play to the rules of what the society expected. A society that doesn’t care if you feel great anxiety afterwards. A society that won’t understand if on your birthday, you just want to hide away from the world. I mean you don’t know me like that but you’re writing such long epistles about me. Because it’s something you’ve been conditioned to do.
A big roller coaster of emotions.
So I had to work out why I felt the way I did on my birthday if I wanted to escape that box of fear and anxiety and in turn improve my life. Because they are both not pleasant emotions and are not safe to dwell in. After a long period of self reflection, here are some of the things I was able to work out.
I’ve learnt to take the day as it comes by not focusing too much on myself and also dedicating the day to charity. Going all out to get gifts for the children of the orphanage. And also spending some time with them. I found that it made me happy that those children were happy which I found more freeing.
I’ve tried making it a very close and personal event by celebrating only with family.
To those that saved the date and always remember to call me, I appreciated for thinking about me. I realize that I found those wishes more genuine than if I made a ruse about my birthday. I found it more peaceful that there was no conditioning on my part and in extension I wasn’t a burden to anyone. Because I didn’t make any form of noise on social media.
And to my last birthday, I made it a 50-50 situation with my family. By partaking in a giving and a taking. On my part, I spent some extra time making special delicacies for the family and on their part, they ordered special gifts for me to mark the day.
Since I was able to step back and do it my own way, I felt more in control of my life. Although that still didn’t mean I must celebrate my birthdays because the society expects me to. It just means I have a choice to and not to based on what I want and what would make me happy. And not based on fear, anxiety or depression.
What do you think about this ? Can you relate.
I would love to hear from you.
